To rekindle our ‘Child-Soul’ April 15—I was listening to some children playing. “I love children. It is I who gave them all these delicate thoughts and feelings: complete trust, docility, a thirst for Jesus, candor, and purity, absolute surrender and the forthright glance. You must keep the same sentiments with you right through life. For they come from Me and I so love to find them again in you when you are grown up. So find your child-soul again and give it to Me.” Bossis, Gabrielle. He and I (Kindle Locations 912-915). Pauline Books and Media. Kindle Edition. When I was very young, 23 to be exact, I was driving into Atlanta for a Doctor’s Appointment. In 1972, Atlanta was not really that big of a city, so the traffic was no way near as bad as it is today. It was a Monday, and I was not in a pleasant mood. No reason, just in a bad mood. As I was driving along settling into my being irritated by everything, a car passed me by. In it, standing next to her mother, who was going at quite a clip, was a small child. A boy, and as I looked over, he smiled and gave me an enthusiastic wave. It was so unexpected, that it sent a feeling of love through me that dissipated my bad mood. Such is the power of a child who is still open, loving, and in a way showing us something of the childlike nature of Our Lord. For Jesus was open, tender, unafraid of pain, and overcoming bitterness and the temptation to withdraw. The child if it survived it’s mom’s driving, would be around 50 at this time. I would think, no matter how he turned out, that inner child-soul is still there. I do believe that for most of us, one of our purposes in life is to either retain that child-like soul or to recover it as we make our way through life. One way is to play. I do not think we are ever too old to play. Br. Cassian, before he entered was a teacher of small children. I have no doubt he was very good at it, since I see how he relates to those with whom he comes in contact within our retreat house. He draws people out, makes people laugh, listens intently, and can look into people’s hearts. He is a very playful, intelligent, and mature man. We have a bulletin board in one of the hallways in our bottom floor. It was used for years by Br. Alan, for our newspaper. He would cut it up and place it along the very large board so that more than one member of the community could read. It was sort of a gathering place, but over the years was used less than before. Br. Alan is now retired from that duty, so the board, until recently was left empty. A space begging to be used. Br. Cassin found a good use for it. He placed words on the board, many words that could be placed in sentences. So for a while, some of us would play with words. I loved making up silly sentences, with no meaning at all. For instance: “Dance, eat, moon and sun, emptiness and fullness”. Another monk would post a sentence, under my words: “You speak fluff words” Just a play on words, but I found it freeing, fun, and a sort of dance with the others who would play along. We also had magnets which would be used to make up patterns, which I found really interesting. For I believe, words and the designs were not as random as might be thought, but also just play. Then one day, Br. Cassian put up some colored tile. In the past, I used to play with cord and makeup wall hangings from many different colors moving them around in patterns that would just create themselves. I also did some three-dimensional hangings, start with one cord and building off of that. An outer and an inner layer. I just moved colors around as I was led to, and again, was surprised by some of the images that came out of that. I was discussing my compulsion to make everything symmetrical, everything had to be balanced with its twin side. He said, ‘You know Mark, asymmetrical also has its beauty”. So I am trying that. It is kind of difficult, so I have to in some small way force myself to not make both sides the same. I find it freeing on a deeper level, perhaps because it is expanding my ability to play. Such simple tools, colored tiles, or words arranged in an order not so adult or linear. I am not a rational thinker, so perhaps that is why I like balance in the world outside my often inner chaotic, overly colorful world. Yet it is freeing to bring both outer and inner worlds together in such a manner because it is played after all. I could not let go of my ‘over-thinking’ self when trying to ‘play’ sports. Which made it into something I hated, it was work, because I could not let go and ‘just do it’, as they say. Then I discovered that I could replace sports with dance, and could when dancing, not think at all, but let the rhythm take over and carry me to some pretty ecstatic places. Just movement, play, jumping up, and down, to the beat, and just being. I can do that when I write for some reason, since I just sit and let it happen, sort of like making my rope hangings and just allowing some inner ‘child’ to lead me. Play heals I believe. Work also has its place, an important one, and I guess can be played as well, but not spontaneous. I still overthink, but in writing, it seems to flow like a river, and I don’t have to work at it, and in that I find healing, and perhaps even though I often overdue the struggle aspect of life, it is still playing and I find a release when writing, but also sending, they seem to go together. One day I may not need to write. I am both glad that would happen, and also sad if it actually did. I am a mess, no wonder I overwrite. Yet I do want to dance with words, with my work, and my prayer and my ongoing wrestling with God, which is a dance as well. Towards the inner child So, Lord, I dance and you lead, I fight you and you wound me deeper, I limp when I dance but you also heal, round and round we go, one day I will stop fighting and my wounds with finally be healed because then my child-soul will be truly alive.—Br.MD
