I can only say that in my own life , looking back on it that the times when Jesus seemed furthest away were the times He was the closest. For instance one winter I stood at the West Coast of Ireland at night staring into the black tossing Atlantic ,so black, so deep and thought to myself that my soul was like that, dark empty and deep , Godless. But I now understand that the reason it seemed so dark was because the presence of God was so bright that it blinded my eyes. He was so very present that He appeared as Darkness. But never was He so present.
Ask the Holy Spirit to show what you've done wrong. My guess is you are again beset by the accuser of the brethren. If nothing concrete is shown that you can take to confession then be at peace.
I've been to confession so many times but still feel judged over a sin from the past. Trying to trust that I have confessed everything and can do no more. Trying to trust that I am in a state of grace.
It is the greatest help having someone to talk to. When I was first in the dark I used to travel to the country to see my Spiritual Director once a month. It was such a blessing as I was afraid I might be going mad or even imagining it all. One time I was afraid I might be a burden to him but another priest accidentally let me know the Father really looked forward to my visits. A listening ear is such a huge blessing. We men keep our emotions far too much to ourselves anyway. More prayers tonight.
i just came across this and it truly convicted me. Such sound guidance from Brother Lawrence. Peter- take a look at what is said about scrupulosity. I know it helped me. Peace https://www.instagram.com/p/DLIB0gDMvgg/?igsh=MTRtYzQ3Y2w3MXBkdA==
For all struggling souls ... Why is the Jesus Prayer so powerful? “Lord Jesus, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.” Excerpt from Fr. Daniel’s homily (slightly paraphrased but captures its essence): Make this prayer part of your breathing rhythm: Pray “Lord Jesus, Son of God” as you inhale. Pray “Have mercy on me, a sinner”, allowing your sins to leave you as you exhale. The Jesus Prayer is so powerful because constantly invoking the Holy Name of Jesus, slowly and meditatively, invites His presence as we contemplate Him. Jesus says “Yes” to our invitation. He desires intimacy with us. [We will experience] deep warmth in our souls and receive the grace of infused contemplation. [It is the practice of the] mystical art of ceaseless prayer. Fr. Daniel also touches on the purgative, illuminative, and unitive stages of the spiritual life.
I was praying for you and offering up Mass tonight. I am so glad that at times things get a little better. At least that's good and you get a little rest from all this. I have read different Spiritual writers down the years on the subject of scruples and they all say that scruples are just about the worst trial a soul can go through. There is a lovely story on the EWTN app about St Maria Goretti and the gentleman who killed her, Alesandro Serenelli. His cause for sainthood is going forward in Rome. But the thing about Allesandro is that he got the grace to forgive himself. I pray that you too will be granted this grace.
I don't know if this will help you or not, but it might. During trials, if you can, remember that our All Good God is closer to you than you are to yourself. Trials are a lot like other parts of existence. Our heart beating, the passing of time, breathing while we sleep, the existence of space, the aging process and so on are all happening without our input. They are happening entirely naturally and mysteriously. So it isn't always something to be remedied, but something to be understood. Times of pain and doubt come and they go. As you pray during these dark storms, even if it is only the utterance of the name of Jesus, you move deeper into the stillness of God. It is like you are paying attention to the tranquility of the eye of the storm instead of the storm itself. You have moved your faculty of attention, not for the sake of gaining anything for yourself or remedying the situation, but because with each passing trial you know better how to weather the storm. Each time the storm comes you know better how to move through it. From this stillness, resting in the Lord, the gifts of the Holy Spirit will better express themselves in your soul. To the point where eventually it will not matter the season or the weather, you are grounded in God. You will feel this deep in your bones and spirit. God has not rejected or abandoned you, He is training you. Bringing you from illusion to Reality. You can take this to the bank. The best teacher of this IMO is St. Julian of Norwich. Her audio books are on YouTube, and she has a very good way of expressing the movement between trials and joy. Moving between being connected to Christ and feeling disconnected. St. Julian constantly explains the Goodness of God and how understanding the Goodness of God provides a way through trials. The video below is part one of a four part series. The other three parts are on the same channel. As I told you before, I believe God is calling you to a more contemplative spirituality.
Lovely thinking of Julian of Norwich again. I don't think as far as I can remember that she was ever canonsied? I am starting to get really ,really fond of my little kitten at the moment and of course Julian was the original cat lady. It's strange and interesting how fond of Julian Protestants can often be. https://winter-maker.com/2017/11/06/julian-of-norwich/
