Discussion in 'Coffee House' started by Border collie, Jul 7, 2016.
I notice he didn't bark at the dinosaurs, only at Kong.
"When a cat has so little faith in your boat docking technique that he prefers to jump in the water and make dry land himself, that's pretty bad." ~ PHDarren
I just posted this over on a cat-lover's site (Cat enthusiasts group (because we are not CRAZY cat people) ); I hope it makes you smile:
I have a story (possibly NSFW):
I asked my girlfriend (GF, a law student) to feed, water, clean-up after and affect my cats while I was out-of-town. Baub Khatt is a male, between 2-3 years old (according to the vet), while Yeep is a 5-yo female. Both spayed/neutered.
GF called one afternoon in some distress -- I couldn't tell if she was laughing or very upset. I was able to determine that Baub Khatt had her pinned down on the bed and was "massaging" her boobs.
"Oh?", I replied. "And how did he manage to get you on MY bed? Don't answer, I have a pretty good idea.
"You were finishing up with feeding and litter box duty, and I imagine you were affecting Yeep, when Baub Khatt strolled by. He stopped and looked at you, walked a little more towards the bedroom, stopped and looked at you again. It was clear he wanted you to follow him. So you did.
"You walked into the bedroom to find him sitting on the bed, looking at you expectantly. You went over and started some light petting, which he thoroughly enjoyed. Bit by bit he moved further away from you, forcing you to reach, until you sat on the edge of the bed.
"Now, he came over, purring and rubbing his head against you while you continued the light petting. At this point, he climbed into your lap, looking deep into your eyes, and stretched up to touch noses with you. Now the full-body strokes began (i.e., heavy petting) and his purrs became louder. He stretched again to touch noses, and you found yourself falling back onto the bed with him on top of you."
At this point, GF was gasping with laughter (feeling a little nervous, are we?) and I continued:
"So let's summarize: you followed him into my bedroom, knowing that he wanted you to touch and cuddle him. The light petting turned into heavy petting, and you fell back onto the bed, with him on top of you. And now, you're upset because after all that heavy petting, he's playing with your boobs?"
Between gasps, she started quoting state law about the different degrees of sexual assault under our state law. I stopped her and told her, "Oh, yes, that might all be true. And if it were allowed to go to trial, you might win. Except for one detail, counselor. How old are you?" She told me. "So you're clearly above the age of majority. Do you think the jury might see things differently when they learn that your alleged attacker is a minor, all of 3 years old? And that the physical contact was initiated by YOU?"
At this point, her gasps turned to peals of laughter, and I could hear her pounding the bed. "So until I get back, there will be no more petting him, light or heavy, while in the bedroom, unless there is another human female adult there to act as a chaperone.
"And let me just say this: I am so very, VERY, disappointed in you, in how you, who should know better, tried to lead Baub Khatt down the path of moral turpitude. But most of all, I'm p*ssed off that my cat has seen more action on that bed than I EVER did!"
(Apologies if I've already posted this
Priest: I’m so sorry to hear of Jim’s passing, Mary. My deepest condolences.
Widow: O, thank you Father.
Priest: It’s a hard time.
Widow: Yes, Father. It is.
Priest: And did he have any last requests?
Widow: Yes, Father. He did.
Priest: And what was his last request, Mary?
Widow: Well, he asked me to please put the gun down.
Again, apologies if previously posted:
“Can I have your number?”
“It’s in the phone book.”
“But I don’t even know your name.”
“That’s in the phone book too.”
"Hey, gorgeous, where have you been all my life?
“For most of it, I wasn’t born yet.”
“Your body is like a temple.”
“Sorry, no services today.”
“I would go to the end of the world for you.”
“Yes, but would you stay there?”
“I want you to be the mother of my children.”
“How many have you got?”
Man: “I have a magic watch that tells me you aren’t wearing any underwear.”
Woman: “But I am wearing underwear.”
Man: “Well, it’s about an hour fast. So how do you like your eggs in the morning?”
Man: “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?”
Woman: “Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.”
Man: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Woman: “I think I’d rather have the money.”
Man: “Will you go out with me this Saturday?”
Woman: “Sorry, I’m having a headache this weekend.”
Man: “So what do you do for a living?”
Woman: “I’m a female impersonator.”
What is the difference between a cat and a comma? A cat has claws at the end of his paws, whereas a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
Do you know how to make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I’m not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
What did the horse say to the one-legged man? “How are you getting on?”
What do you call a vampire antelope? Vlad the impala.
The last time The Irish Times had one of these competitions I submitted 10 of my best jokes. I was sure that one would win. But no pun in ten did From the Irish Times
Separate names with a comma.