The Now When I look into the future, I am frightened, But why plunge into the future? Only the present moment is precious to me, As the future may never enter my soul at all. It is no longer in my power to change, to correct, or add to the past; For neither sages nor prophets could do that. And so, what the past has embraced I must entrust to God. O present moment, you belong to me, whole and entire. I desire to use you as best I can. And although I am weak and small, You grant me the grace of your omnipotence. Saint Faustina – Divine Mercy in My Soul
One human weakness I cling to is an evaluation of the past wherein I grade my effectiveness, or what I perceive as a lack thereof. Sometimes this results in me "beating myself up." Case in point: When I arrive at my assigned floor in the hospital as a chaplain, I review the list of patients to help discern whom to visit. This past Wednesday, I was standing at the nurse's station having just made my choice, when the husband of the very patient I chose to visit came up to the nurses. "Could someone please come check on my wife; I believe she just died." One of the nurses went in to make an assessment while the husband stood outside. He struck me as numb, in one sense shut down, a man who looked to be in his young 40s. The nurse came out and simply said, "I'm terribly sorry," as she touched his arm compassionately. "I need to find the doctor to verify." After all, only a doctor can officially state the time of death for the record. I introduced myself and offered condolences. He remained silent. Knowing it might be a few minutes until the doctor might show up, "Would you like to go in and we can offer some prayers?" "You go, I can't go in right now." I did as he requested. Though relatively young, his wife's death pallor was evident. I prayed part of the Chaplet of Divine Mercy, begging Jesus that His Mercy prevail. The physician arrived. I stepped out and spoke briefly with him again. He was obviously torn up inside, but was fighting tremendously to exteriorly remain in control . I did find out they were Catholic, had been married 20 years, and had two teenage children. Father Gerard came by also; once more the father asked for prayers for his wife, but would not go in. There have been occasions when God allows the good fruit of my efforts to be revealed. If there were any this time, however, they were definitely not apparent; but then, we see appearances, but the Lord looks into the heart! Each of us must take up our Cross and in the midst of what seems to be failure, struggle on to our own Golgotha! And so, what the past has embraced I must entrust to God. Safe in the Refuge of the Immaculate Heart!
Someday the man will be grateful that another prayed at his wife's bedside when he lacked the strength.
Dont beat up on yourself. He will be very grateful down the road when he comes out of the shock. The death of a loved one--especially so sudden--can literally pole axe you to the point you are there and you speak but you are shot through with a kind of spiritual novacaine. I know from experience.
I also have experienced that “spiritual novacaine” when my dad died in my arms in our house. My whole being went numb and I couldn’t even cry - at least not for awhile.
