Some more Jokes..

Discussion in 'Coffee House' started by Mary's Child, Apr 11, 2013.

  1. Mary's Child

    Mary's Child Guest

    Humor is one of God's great gift of mercy. Laughter really lifts the soul and to be able to see the funny side of things is a great gift in itself.. Here is another joke :D

    A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

    The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

    For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

    The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

    The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years".
     
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  2. Mary's Child

    Mary's Child Guest

    There was an elderly man visiting a doctor for his check-up. As he was leaving he asked the doctor if he could recommend a specialist for his wife. "What's wrong with her?" asked the doctor. The old man explained that her hearing was getting so bad that it was almost embarrassing. The doctor said he knew of several specialists that could help but he wanted the old man to do a little test when he got home to help the doctor determine the severity of her hearing loss. The doctor said "When you get home, make sure your wife's back is turned to you and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond walk closer and ask her again. Keep doing this until she answers and let me know the results".
    That night when the old man opened the door of his home he could see his wife in the kitchen preparing dinner. She was at the counter with her back to the door. "What's for dinner?" the old man asked. His wife did not respond so he walks to the doorway of the kitchen and asked the question again. Still, he was greeted with silence. This time he walks up just behind her and asks once again "What's for dinner?" His wife spins around a bit agitated and says "For the third time, Fried Chicken!!"
     
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  3. Mary's Child

    Mary's Child Guest

    A man sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. He goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

    "You talk?" he asks.

    "Yep," the mutt replies.

    "So, what's your story?"

    The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."

    "I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. But, the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down."

    "So, I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals."

    "Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

    The man is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

    The owner says, "Ten dollars."

    The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

    The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
     
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  4. padraig

    padraig New Member

  5. Mary's Child

    Mary's Child Guest

    Last one.. I love this one. :D

    Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back
    together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly
    mother.
    The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
    The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
    The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. Remember how mom
    enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. I sent her a
    remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church
    12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the
    chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
    Soon thereafter, mom sent a letter to each son. "Milton," she wrote one son,
    "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the
    whole house."
    "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the
    time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
    "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to
    know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
     
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  6. HOPE

    HOPE Guest

    A woman went and bought a parrot and brought it home. It turned out to be a very profane parrot, who was always swearing a blue streak. No amount of telling the parrot to stop swearing would stop him and one day the woman got fed up and put the parrot in the freezer to shut him up. After a while she said, Oh, what have I done to a poor animal and went and got the parrot and put him on his perch. The parrot apologised saying, I am so sorry madame for my profanity, I promise to never swear again. But lady, can I ask you what on earth did the chicken in the freezer do to offend you?
     
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  7. Mary's Child

    Mary's Child Guest

  8. Mary's Child

    Mary's Child Guest

    Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
    One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
    The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
    Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
    They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
    Fred replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out of the plane, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
     
  9. HOPE

    HOPE Guest

    Oh, had my laugh today, thank you Mary's Child, now I will go off and pray like a good girl

    Oh dear, not that your jokes make me want to pray, I'm in a silly mood, off to pray for Dolly Lama
     
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  10. insearch

    insearch Angels

    those are great ones (y)
     
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  11. sunburst

    sunburst Powers

    Years ago we actually found a parrot on our property with that speech impediment, we finally gave it away to someone compatible:eek: I'm still laughing about the lipstick, mirror joke:LOL:
     
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  12. insearch

    insearch Angels

    One day a visionary in a small town is announcing that Our Lord Jesus Christ is going to come to the town to heal all the sick and to make things organized He will be healing sick in the doctor's office.
    The announced day there are crowds of people waiting and everybody get's his/her turn, here comes the turn of a very sick, elderly and handicapped man. He goes to the office, comes back in few minutes - walking himself, healthy. The crowd waiting is asking - how was it? The man's answer - well, it wasn't like it is supposed to be... He did not even take my blood pressure!!!
     
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  13. padraig

    padraig New Member

  14. A man had goldfish which he named one and two. "Why did you name them one and two?" asked his friend. "Well," said the man, "if one dies I'll always have two!"
     
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  15. grimisocks

    grimisocks Principalities

    (Heard this one at the novena the other night)
    Young Tommy is on his knees at his bed around Christmas "Please Jesus, tell Santa to bring me a gleaming new bike, amen".
    Mam overheard this cute bedtime prayer & said to Tommy "Why don't you pray to the statue of Our Lady in your bedroom for that bike instead. Because Mary can intercede on your behalf".
    Tommy thought this was a great plan so for the weeks leading up to Christmas, he got down on his knees at bedtime & said a prayer, without fail to Our Lady looking for a new bike for Christmas.
    Christmas morning arrived, no bike for Tommy. Mam went to the hotrpress for something & found it up in a heap. Bedsheets pulled everywhere, towels all over the place. But then, she found the statue to Our Lady that was in Tommy's room under all that bed linen. She promply took it back to his room but found a written note on Tommy's bed. It read "Jesus, I'm warning you. If you EVER want to see your mother again...."
     
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  16. Bill said to Joe, "I treated my wife to a night out last week, booked a table too!" "How'd it go?" asked Joe. "Not great, she only potted one red."
     
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  17. HOPE

    HOPE Guest

    An outoftowner get's into a cab in New York City and tells the Irish cab driver to take him to Christ Church. The Irish cab driver takes off and brings him to St. Patrick's cathedral. The Outoftowner says, Hey, I told you to take me to Christ Church. The Irish cabdriver says, Mr., if Christ ain't in that church, he ain't in any church.
     
  18. "Quis ut Deus"

    "Quis ut Deus" Powers Staff Member

    St Patrick was on his way out the gates singing his merry tune ,Peter who was standing rattling his keys said now Patrick we all know that it's St Patricks day to day now make sure you behave yourself don’t be drinking too much and be home at a reasonable hour, Ack sure Petesy ya know me I will I will I will, whistling as he went, well it was getting very late and Peter was getting anxious The big man had already called to Peter “where’s Patrick” and Patrick was know were to be seen a second time Peter was asked “where’s Patrick” eventually at 5 am Peter could see Patrick making his way up the steps to the pearly gates singing and swaying, again Peter was asked “where’s Patrick” he is coming now Lord he shouted,, As Patrick got to the gate Peter was furious “Patrick he said I warned you before you left, you have me worried sick look at the state of you, the big man has called for you three time like seriously Patrick three times you should be ashamed,, Patrick lifted his head and looked at Peter swaying from side to side and with a drunken hick hick he said oh really look at you I’ve only one thing to say Petesy what's that said Peter “cock a doodle doo” “ tee hee tee hee” came the reply..:)
     
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  19. Carmel333

    Carmel333 Archangels

    Ok since we all seem to have Catholic dogs here :) I thought we may need some advise.... this one kills me :ROFLMAO:
    [​IMG]
     
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