The Monastic Struggle 'Man's anger does not bring about the righteousness of God' (Jms. 1:20 (Chapter talk) We must, with God's help, eradicate the deadly poison of the demon of anger from the depths of our souls. So long as he dwells in our hearts and blinds the eyes of the heart with his somber disorders, we can neither discriminate what is for our good, nor achieve spiritual knowledge, nor fulfill our good intentions, nor participate in true life; and our intellect will remain impervious to the contemplation of the true,divine light; for it is written, 'Man's anger does not bring about the righteousness of God' (Jms. 1:20).--John Cassian Not everyone has the same path to walk when they enter upon the Monastic journey. In fact, we may not find out what our path is until after we have arrived, perhaps even years after we arrive. There can be all kinds of romantic ideas about what it is to be a monk, but the lived experience is another matter altogether. I do believe that the path each of us must traverse has its roots in our deep past, often forgotten, but its effects can be felt. Living in a Monastic community is a life of real solitude, even if we are very active in how we live out our vocation. For we are always with ourselves, with many outlets denied us. No matter where we turn we will only find a reflection of ourselves. Cities are the collective manifestation of the inner life of those who live in it. We have in many ways created the world in our image and likeness, with all that entails. So it is in Monasteries, each of us are building stones in how the actual Spirit of the house is lived out. The collective Ideal is present. We strive to live deeply the mystery of our calling, yet the deeper we go we will often find resistance to actually living out what we have vowed. So within community there is a level of chaos and dysfunction, and even destructive qualities that have to be addressed by the monk, as well as the community. The saying “Dealing with my inner demons”, is understood by those who hear it. I would think that most monks, because of the nature of the life, have, each, their own unique struggle with the flesh. More often than not, these ‘inner demons’ are a manifestation of our wounds that were inflicted on us when we were defenseless, innocent, and very, very young. The deeper I go into my own monastic journey, at times, I feel like Dante finding myself in a deep dark forest, feeling lost, confused, and frustrated. I have also found ways in dealing with this that does as little harm to me or to others, such is the gift of our Monastic Life. Raimundo Panikkar is an author I like to read from time to time. Not saying that I understand much, he is a very deep thinker, but I found some of his sayings helpful in my Monastic Journey. Below is one such quote: “By monk, monachos, I understand that person who aspires to reach the ultimate goal in life with all of his being by renouncing all that is not necessary to it, i.e., by concentrating on this one single and unique goal.”–Raimundo Panikkar I am not sure I have yet to acquire what Raimundo is talking about, but it is something I desire, to grow in focus on my own journey. As I get older I find that my ‘true norths’ pull on me is stronger, making the pull of other ‘good things’ lessening. The one thing necessary for a monk, is I believe ‘love’. Which is, yes, what is necessary for anyone who is seeking to walk the Christian way of life. However, because of the simplicity of our lives, the struggle to achieve, and the experience of my own lacking of this love can be a source of deeper inner suffering leading to restlessness. I would also say that my chief inner ‘demon’ is anger. I knew when young that I could get very angry and lash out. Yet as I age, and my trust in God, as well as my love for God expands through His grace, this anger seems to be more pointed, violent, and is always asking me to deal with it. Over the years this energy of anger will arise for no apparent reason, and cause me some disquiet, but I have learned, that being alone before God, means that I have to not fear whatever comes up, but to make it part of my prayer journey into deeper union with Christ Jesus. It is part of obeying the commandment “to love myself as I love my neighbor”. I do believe that in belonging to the Priesthood-Of-People, the people who belong to my congregation or those who struggle the way I do. So I will often pray for those consumed with violence, and have no way to deal with it. Our struggles can make us more human, just as Christ Jesus was perfectly human. Evil seeks to destroy, to strip me of my humanity, to make me an empty shell, the grace and healing of God seeks to fill me with life and healing. Yet, in order to be healed, even if it takes time, or years, has to be seen, embraced, and given to the Lord in prayer. All the while keep patience and trust central. So where am I at this point in my Monastic Journey? Well I do not know. However, I do find that my trust in God’s mercy and love is growing, as well as my ability to love and accept others. My own wounds, failures, starting over, lead me to having compassion and empathy for others. To love oneself in God, is to love all others, it cannot be otherwise.-Br.MD
...but I have learned, that being alone before God, means that I have to not fear whatever comes up, but to make it part of my prayer journey into deeper union with Christ Jesus. Personally, praying in Adoration before the Blessed Sacrament is the context where such confidence bubbles up. But I'm not always so honest with myself.
I recently learned that St. Benedict's monastery "movement", which had it's origins in the 4th century, numbered over 77,000 monasteries before the end of the first millennium. That's one way to conquer Europe! Your community's humble example of following Benedict's initiative of solitude will yet reap much spiritual fruit for America, more so than all the political bickering can accomplish!
I guess we all are concerned about the way our country is going. We all need to pray deeply for what is going on. Perhaps there can be some sort of turnaround for us........God help us and preserve all of us!
Yes, my hope is that these are the birth pains. One of the great things about all of this is that many souls are turning to Christ like I have never seen in my life.
