...At 55, I am acutely aware that each and every person here has problems and trials. And many or more of those are likely worse than anything I face. So I know, fully, that I'm no special case, when I dare moan and groan and ask for prayer. ...I am typing from a void of blackness, which leaves me feeling so bleak that neither my beloved, vintage TV shows, sweet treats nor even sitting alone in church penetrates the emptiness I feel. This is the depression and agoraphobia which has plagued me since early childhood. If you've ever seen that commercial about depression, where people with it old up a smiley face in front of their own, in social situations, that's me. In fact, that's how I used to describe it in the 80's, long befor that commercial. The depression and agoraphobia never leave me, though often they are at a lower level, where I can laugh and function semi normally. What I mean by that is that I've never worked a full time job in my life, and quit every part time one...the last one ending in 2011. There is always a dark cloud over me. My agoraphobia pretty much means I am always severely homesick, especially if I venture even ONE street off my usual, limited routes. Forget going an hour away somewhere on the weekend with my wife and son. If it happens, I sit silently in the car, and am almost traumatized until we get home. Only now, with my parents long gone, losing a 90 year old friend last year and now a 55 year old one this, with another in danger, and with no money causing tension with my wife, and with our ten year old getting older and not always being my built in little constant companion like he was at age 5 or 6, I am finding I feel homesick even in my own house. Do you know what that feels like?? To not even get a break from that sad, homesick anxiety even when you're at a home you've lived in for 43 years?? I draw on the side, but whether its a logo, caricature or portrait...or church bulletin board, jobs are often months apart. What happens is, I coast along with my condition in sort of neutral.......there, oppressive, but not paralyzing. ...But when external events occur, such as what's happening now, my condition kicks into high gear and I pray that God brings me and my family home. I pray he rescues us from this nightmare world. The election did and is taking a huge toll, though I've now shut off almost all news. My nephew, who my parents and I helped raise, has some form a schizophrenia....took himself off meds again, got arrested for some sort of disorderly conduct and his future is bleak. His mother has depression, so she never does all she needs to to help her son. My best friend from the 80's and 90's just died in his sleep, and now another friend from college has such heart trouble..in his early 50's, that his future is in dire straights. We had to wait 10 months before getting our Federal tax refund and stimulus, and by the time it did come all of it went to overdue bills and when I tried to buy a mailing tube to mail out one simple portrait job I got to help pay bills, our debit card was rejected because we are overdrawn. My only real income is occasional gift cards and such from our wonderful pastor. But he is 82 with health issues. I dread something happening to him, because not only is he like family, but he's my only income. I won't even be able to go to our church anymore if something happens to him, s it will be too sad. But where will I go? My agoraphobia will kick in anywhere else. I'm TRAPPED in this nightmare. ...The Lord says don't worry. I know that. It's all I do. I had to kick that sister and nephew out in 2006, when both parents were on the verge of passing, because the house was put in my name for taking care of mom and I had lived with INCREDIBLE stress the entire 16 years my sister and nephew were there. Her temper and lack of responsability made it hell, and that was on top of my mom getting spinal fractures due to early osteoporosis every 3 months or so. Yet, because my wife, son and I are in this house, and my sister is renting part of a house and nephew "was" in a room the size of a closet in a state run facility but is now homeless, I can never shake the guilt. Both of them get disability, and my sister has for years. She was getting it when I was working part time locally, and was still getting more than me a month. I found this out in 2006, plus a lawyer told me there was help getting housing for people in her condition. That's why I felt ok telling them it was them or me who had to leave. But guilt never, ever leaves. ...I finally tried for disability THREE times, and even filed an appeal on that third one. All attempts were rejected, without explanation but one. In that one, the judge's letter said she didn't count my three years with a therapist, because that woman had no MD after her name. And she cited my lack of seeing many docs over the years. Well I was the one who walked into a hospital in 1985 for help. But the therapist was weird, meds never helped, and that was always how it was. A DNA swab test showed, a few years ago, that I have some sort of missing receptor, so..in fact, most meds wont work on me. Didn't matter to the judge. ...Now my wife wants me to try for disability again. That means finding a psychiatrist (the last one never took his eyes of his computer), trying a myriad of meds again...which never work, finding a lawyer (all of whom treat me like a number) and going through a process which takes like 3 years. ...I'm 220 when I should be 180. Food has been my drug. I pray, I go sit in church, I do my best to say the rosary...but I lament the past and dread the future. I'm so aware of the temporary nature of this life that I don't feel like bothering doing anything, and feel like at any moment loved ones are going to drop dead. ...I do ok with picking up, feeding and taking care of our son with my wife. But a couple of yaers ago he drew a picture of me. When he handed it to me I held back tears. See, since he was a toddler I'd open up the garage door and take him outside, but after a few minutes I'd just go sit in a chair in the garage, and watch him from there. His picture was of us playing catch, with me doing so from the chair. ...Now that he's 10, almost 11, I am seeing him start to leave his toddler years behind. It was hard doing diapers, feedings, and watching my poor wife drive off to work while I watched him, but he DID become a companion to me. Now, with him becoming more independant, he's leaving me in a way, and it triggers more depression. Everything makes me sad, now, and I see so little hope in the future...on a personal or national level. I have no one to tell any of this to. And even if I did...there's not a human on Earth who can help. We are all in the same boat. Two days after one friend suddenly dies, another posts on Facebook that after 3 heart operations he, himself, is begging for prayer. And two days before that my nephew gets arrested, and now we are overdrawn. Every single direction I look is utterly bleak. The blackness and empty void, if you've never experienced true depression, is terrifying. ...I hesitated to post something like this for months, out of concern for others who may read it and get too depressed, themselves. And so I pray that isn't happening. ...I look at subjects here, daily, rarely post, but when I see intentions listed in subject lines, I lways pray for whoever it is. Please pray for us, here, and my intentions. I've often wished I could write to Concheta (sp), or someone who has had visions of Mary or God, to ask their help. Alas, what can they do. I have no peace. Even when I look up from this computer and know my wife is down the hall (working), my son is reading in his room, and the house is decorated, I think only of what has happened (past events or traumas), what is happening (no money, bills, nephew out there alone, age), and what could happen (you name it). No peace at all. Please pray. I pray for all those, her. Thank you. ...I dont like putting so much personal information out there, but I am probably not thinking clearly. Likely, I'll delete this after a short time, if I can figure out how. I pray the events foretold at Garabandal come true, soon, and that God gives us some measure of comfort to go on. I'm on empty.