Strange thoughts For the last three months or so I have been having a strange kind headache. It is a pressure felt right at the top of my head. Sometimes there is a little pain around the edges, still on the top but a little further off from the pressure point. In years past, in that same area, I would also get a quick pain, it felt like someone had put an ice pick through my skull, and then it would pass. Now this seems to have moved on to something different. Because of this, I tend to think whatever it is, is not serious, just another ‘bother', of which seem to pile up as I get older. I was going to just wait and see (as stupid as that sounds, or is), but Rose would not let that happen. So I called the VA at the East Point clinic in South Atlanta and got an appointment. So I went, saw the Doctor, who is very good, I have no complaints with the VA, the one here in Atlanta is truly wonderful, at least my experience. When I go I just make sure have lots of reading material, so no matter how long the wait, it goes pretty quickly. The visit went well, I passed the different test, but even then the doctor wants me to have a CT scan of my pointed little head. It is truly a strange place to be, waiting for an appointment to see if there is indeed a serious problem. Even if I am almost sure there isn't one, it can lead to thoughts mostly never entertained. What if? Could this be the time when the doctor has to set me down and give the bad news? "You have only so long to live, we can try this or that, in the end you may live 5 years, if you don't try anything kind of treatment, well you could die in 3 years." Yes a strange place to be. But not uncommon, for in the end most of us will sicken of something that will lead to our death. I look at things differently at least for now; not in the sense that I ‘know' that I will die soon, but that one day a visit will most likely be the way that my curtain of denial will be ripped away and I will really have to face the reality of my temporality. What then? How will I react? My scenarios tend to be of the sort that makes my ego preen itself......I can be such a silly rabbit at times. I think when that moment comes; it will be one of deep fear and denial at least at first. I will of course hear the words, but the truth of them may take some time to sink in. What then? I would think that it is a lonely land to be in, knowing that this world will soon be over, and the reality of ones doubts will raise to the surface. Faith and doubt dance together, which one will lead, the other follow? Being a man of faith, I hope it will be faith that does the leading, but who knows? Perhaps my relationship with doubt will have to deepen, be faced and accepted, but then, will I doubt my doubt? I think for many, that is what faith is, doubting doubt, for it can be easier not to believe, than to hope for what one cannot see. Perhaps all of our belief systems are based on faith. For the belief that science is the only way to find the truth, is not something that can be proven. Science is about the world of objects, the depth of the heart, our deep inner longings, well that is for other avenues of knowledge; perhaps more important than science. It seems we can't get away from questioning, seeking, no matter where we are on life's journey. That is what perhaps we are all made for. I may doubt at times, but if I were an atheist, I think my doubts would be a lot more vehement, than they are now for me as one who seeks the eternal, and often feel myself really being the one perused. So many paradoxes on the path, incidents to ponder, that make atheism seem like a possibility, but one that is unlikely, at least for me. Proofs of God, in the end are personal, not scientific, for God is not an object among other objects, hence the impossibility of proving anything about its existence or non-existence. For some atheism makes the most sense and I say, good for them. We each must take a stand and move forward living lives flowing from our beliefs. Though failure is also part of the journey, everyone's; at least from my experience. To date I have seen no exceptions. So when hypocrisy is flung at me, I say "yes of course, I fail, I am a sinner, and so my being a hypocrite at times should not surprise anyone, least of all me". Or when others fall, well, as the saying goes: "there but for the grace of God go I"; is something well worth pondering. --Br.MD
When I had a heart attack, and needed bypass, the surgeon sat me down and said, “You have a 1 in 100 chance of not waking up.” When I had multiple strokes 3 years ago, and needed stents in the arteries of my brain, the doctor said, “You have a 1 in 5 chance of not waking up.” At some point, as my genes are bad and I have poor life expectancy, they’re going to say, “Theres nothing more we can do for you.” And that will be ok. Life is basic training for even greater things.
I think all of us are studying for our final exams so to speak. I will say the brevity of life startles me and the swiftness of the years. Tomorrow is my birthday. I am so grateful to have had this one. But I am at an age now where every day is a gift. I take nothing for granted.
Praying and offering up mass today. Padre Pio used to say, 'Pray, hope and don't worry!!' Easier said than done. One good thing though as is happening to you it makes you step back and take stock spiritually. Looking down from the mountain so to speak.
I wonder did Padre Pio ever worry? Or those giants like St Paul? It would seem strange if they didn't..at least a little.
I think he must have worried a teeny bit...as his beautiful prayer atests...highlighted below! A PRAYER OF ST. PADRE PIO AFTER COMMUNION This prayer of St. Padre Pio after Communion is a stirring tribute both to our Lord and to this great saint who bore the stigmata, the wounds of Christ from His Passion. It has been said that St. Pio’s entire priestly life was dedicated to the task of winning souls for God. When you consider that, the first line of this prayer seems to be the ultimate example of humility. Would that any of us might abandon Jesus that “easily”! Stay with me, Lord, for it is necessary to have You present so that I do not forget You. You know how easily I abandon You. Stay with me Lord, because I am weak, and I need Your strength, so that I may not fall so often. Stay with me Lord, for You are my life, and without You, I am without fervor. Stay with me Lord, for You are my light, and without you, I am in darkness. Stay with me Lord, to show me Your will. Stay with me Lord, so that I hear Your voice and follow You. Stay with me Lord, for I desire to love you very much, and always be in Your Company. Stay with me Lord, if You wish me to be faithful to You. Stay with me Lord, for as poor as my soul is, I want it to be a place of consolation for You, a nest of Love. Stay with me, Jesus, for it is getting late, and the day is coming to a close, and life passes, death, judgment, eternity approach. It is necessary to renew my strength, so that I will not stop along the way and for that, I need You. It is getting late and death approaches. I fear the darkness, the temptations, the dryness, the cross, the sorrows. O how I need You, my Jesus, in this night of exile. Stay with me tonight, Jesus, in life with all its dangers, I need You. Let me recognize You as Your disciples did at the breaking of bread, so that the Eucharistic Communion be the light which disperses the darkness, the force which sustains me, the unique joy of my heart. Stay with me Lord, because at the hour of my death, I want to remain united to you, if not by Communion, at least by grace and love. Stay with me Jesus, I do not ask for divine consolation because I do not merit it, but the gift of Your presence, oh yes, I ask this of You. Stay with me Lord, for it is You alone I look for, Your Love, Your Grace, Your Will, Your Heart, Your Spirit, because I love You and ask no other reward but to love You more and more. With a firm love, I will love You with all my heart while on earth and continue to love You perfectly during all eternity. Amen. Also a Happy Birthday to AED/Ann and all those celebrating a birthday on the MoG forum!!
There is something so heartfelt and gorgeous about this prayer; he must have been in a really hard place
I'm a little late but.... lá breithe shona duit Ann,,,, I hope you had a great birthday...a little tune for your special day one I enjoy playing ..
I had a wonderful birthday. My husband took me to Portland to the Latin Mass at the Cathedral. The chanting was beautiful. So thoughtful of my husband. The weather was terrible so a real commitment to get there. Just a great day so thanks to all for prayers and birthday wishes. So happy to be at TLM.
